Dear Neil: Years ago my husband of thirty-six years was introduced to blue movies. He has not done without them since. We are at the stage where these movies come first, and the intimacy in our relationship has all but gone. Where to from here? Christchurch, New Zealand Dear Christchurch: Perhaps you could open […]
Is a 48 Year Old Never Married Bachelor a Wise Choice for Me?
Dear Neil: I’ve had a good relationship for the past year with a 48-year-old man who has never been married. He needs a fair amount of time to himself. I also like time alone, but I find myself wishing we could have a more permanent relationship together. He has never expressed interest in marriage or […]
Increasing Your Effectiveness in an Argument
Note: This is the third of a three-part series. In an intimate relationship, the more hurt or angry you feel, the more likely you are to react to your partner as an enemy instead of as a teammate. The more habitually you talk to each other as if you’re enemies, the more hurtful, defensive, antagonistic […]
Reducing Anger in a Disagreement
Note: This is the second of a three-part series Here are ways to reduce anger and improve your dialoging skills, in order to keep your intimate relationship intimate: Beware of the impulse to strike back. When your partner expresses hurt, frustration or irritation, especially about something you have done, your immediate impulse may be to […]
Angry Fighting Hurts Intimacy and Trust
Note: This is the first of a three part series Dear Neil: I am in a 4 ½ year relationship with a woman I love and want to marry. But we get into such nasty, vicious and hurtful fights with each other that it makes me hesitate about the future. We get angry with each […]
What Are Your Expectations?
Happiness has been described as the difference between your expectations and what you get. The following is an exercise to explore your expectations of your relationship. Consider each question in light of what you want for the future. What are your expectations regarding: Sexual fidelity Do you expect to love each other always? Do you […]
Quiz: Are You Walled Off?
Do you have a guarded heart? Do you have a wall around your heart that prohibits genuine intimacy, even with the people you love and feel closest to? Take this quiz to find out: Do you get angry a lot with your mate, even over small things? Do you tend to be mistrusting, only to […]
Abused Woman Needs to Leave Her Husband and Get Help
Dear Neil: I have had a hard time the last two years with anxiety. I lost my position at work because of my anxiety. I’m crying and yelling a lot, and I really get upset. When I get upset, my husband spanks me and sometimes throws me around. He says this is the only way […]
Setting Healthier Boundaries
Note: This is the second of a two-part series. Our ability to protect ourselves is related to the strength of our boundaries. If we haven’t developed clear emotional boundaries, we are vulnerable to physical or emotional violation. Healthy, intact, clear boundaries feel good, and are flexible enough that we can choose what to let in […]
Healthy Boundaries Communicates Your Limits to Others
Note: This is the first of a two-part series. Dear Neil: Why do I always seem to choose distant and withdrawn men who cheat on me? This is my third straight relationship where chronic infidelity and too much distance have ruined things. Am I doing something wrong? Confused and Angry, New York City Dear Confused […]