Note: this is the first of a two-part series. Dear Neil: What does it mean when my girlfriend says she is very independent, fears being controlled and doesn’t trust easily? Isn’t the idea of being in an adult relationship for both people to trust, rely on and depend on each other? Feeling Pushed Away in Westminster, Colorado […]
Self-Sabotage Undermines Your Belief in Yourself
Dear Neil: I have a pattern of choosing men who are unavailable, already in a relationship, married to their jobs or just out for a good time. The ones that are available, who treat me well, who offer me hope—I find inadequate, and I eventually dump them. Why am I doing this? I would like […]
You Can’t Have a Good Relationship Alone
Dear Neil: I have loved a man like no other. But I didn’t listen to my gut as he became the Silent Dark Shadow, and I stayed, hoping for it to get better. We had a lovely son together, but when I realized how lonely I was—that it has always been me wanting us to […]
Sabotaging the Relationship You Want
Note: This is the second of a two-part series. Do you have a pattern of choosing an emotionally unavailable intimate partner—a person exceedingly difficult to get or stay close to, whose heart is very protected, insulated or standoffish—while rejecting the person who is available, heartful, caring, responsive and who is easy to be close to? […]
A Promising Relationship Deserves a Chance
Note: This is the first of a two-part series. Dear Neil: Recently I ended a promising relationship with a man that I had some misgivings about. He was solicitous of me: What did I want? How was I feeling? No man has ever been so attentive to my feelings or wishes, and it made me […]
When Your Child Emotionally Emancipates
Dear Neil: We have a thirty-four year old son who is a PhD. He’s always been a social loner, and does not socialize personally much at all. He goes tramping (hiking and camping) and on overseas holidays alone. Recently, by e-mail, he coldly and abusively said that he was fed up with our “interest” and […]
Love Requires Heart and Vulnerability
Dear Neil: I’m wondering why I cannot trust my heart. Ever since marrying my husband four years ago, I have known something was wrong. After a year of searching, I have finally figured out that I married him based on “cognitive” things that I thought would make a good marriage. The problem is that I’ve […]
Inner Shame Prohibits Intimacy
Dear Neil: You’ve recently written about shame. Can you address why some of us feel an inner sense of shame no matter what we say or do? I’m not talking about feeling ashamed when I do something I know to be wrong. That’s having a conscience. I’m talking about feeling unworthy, inadequate, unlovable or not […]
Love Will Not Work With a “Guarded Heart”
Dear Neil: Exactly what is love? I have been hurt several times in the past in my relationships with men, so in my most recent relationship I kept myself safe and a bit withdrawn. But he rejected me, saying I was too guarded. I guess I don’t know what love is, and I don’t know […]
Approach-Avoidance Behavior Seeks Safety and Protection
Dear Neil: I have been involved with a man for two years. After four months of intense dating and heavy pursuit on his part, he asked me to marry him. I said “yes,” believing this to be a whirlwind courtship and somewhat of a Cinderella fairytale. I was 34 years old and had never been […]