Dear Neil: My fiancé will dish out a fair amount of criticism at me. But if I say anything that shows unhappiness about him, he falls apart, withholding affection and withdrawing for days. He tells me he absolutely can’t function if I am not happy with him, and he insists I need to be happy […]
How to Defeat Your Defensiveness
Dear Neil: For years I have struggled with being defensive. For a long time, I didn’t actually understand that I was acting defensively. But my defensiveness turns out to be at the root of my problems with my boyfriend. It seems that most of this behavior stems from my wanting to be perfect. I have […]
Why Do Critical People Get Angry When They Are Criticized?
Dear Neil: My boyfriend confuses me. He can get very sharp with me: critical, judgment and easy to anger when offended. At times, he gets irritated and very critical at what feels to me like minor infractions, and he can get quite verbally hard on me for making even a small mistake. So why does […]
Handling Criticism Better
Note: This is the second of a two-part series. What’s the worst thing anyone could say aokut you? Of the myriad of potential answers you might come up with, let’s say that your spouse or lover says that you’re insecure. Instead of getting angry or defensive, let’s say you were open to exploring whether the […]
Having Sex When You’re Not in the Mood
Dear Neil: I understand that being in a relationship often involves doing things for the other person that you may not particularly like. Examples are things like dishes that someone else dirties, giving a massage when you’re tired, spending Christmas with the mother-in-law, etc. I also understand that this extends to sex, even if you’re […]
What’s Behind Your Need To Defend Yourself?
Are you defensive? Have people told you that you respond defensively when feedback, criticism, suggestions or requests are made of you? Have you noticed that you have a tendency of never wanting to admit that you’re wrong—even when you could be? Byron Katie, in her book I Need Your Love—Is That True? (Three Rivers Press) […]
Substituting Power for Feeling Loved and Valued
Note: This is the first of a three part series. Want to have a better relationship? One of the worst things that can happen to your health and happiness is to live with a resentful, angry or abusive partner. But the worst thing you can do is become a resentful, angry or abusive partner. Real […]
The Way Around Somebody’s Defenses
Dear Neil: I am so frustrated with my husband that I’m thinking of separating from him. I don’t believe in divorce, but I’m not sure I can tolerate living with him anymore. Anything that even hints at me telling him I’m upset with him, that I don’t like something he has said or done—or, heaven […]
The Faces of Diversion and Distraction
Dear Neil: I sometimes get aggressively hostile toward my boyfriend, even though I know he doesn’t mean me harm with what he says. But when he says something negative or critical of me, or even just something that I’d rather he not feel or (not say), I can get seriously angry, hostile and mean to […]
Being Less Defensive and Reactive
Dear Neil: I seem to get defensive a lot—whenever someone at work criticizes me or suggests how I could have done better, whenever my husband makes a request of me that implies that I’m not doing a good enough job as a wife, whenever my daughter says something that hurts me. Then I get angry, […]