Dear Neil: I sometimes get aggressively hostile toward my boyfriend, even though I know he doesn’t mean me harm with what he says. But when he says something negative or critical of me, or even just something that I’d rather he not feel or (not say), I can get seriously angry, hostile and mean to […]
Dear Neil: Thanks for your recent column on anger. What’s been fascinating for me is to realize how ill-equipped I am to having any reaction other than anger or feeling like a doormat. Learning to rein in anger is freeing, but if people who have relied on anger for power don’t have any other readily […]
The following exercise can help you identify when you get angry in your intimate relationship, and can you look beyond your anger and locate the true issues and emotions that cause your anger. Check every statement that describes you at least some of the time in your intimate relationship. I feel anger when… ___ My […]
Imagine that your life is a bus heading down the streets of your hometown. All your feelings are sitting on the seats—sadness, love, fear, happiness, anger, loneliness, etc.—chatting with each other. All of them are equal in power than the others. And you’re driving the bus. You’re in control of your life. Then suddenly there’s […]
Dear Neil: Could you address the subject of anger? I have been angry at my wife for years, but I’m having a hard time figuring out why I get as angry as I do at her. Even small things I can escalate into major offenses, and I am angry often at her. But I also […]
In a conflict with your mate, have you ever been flooded with anger? When you get flooded, you feel emotionally and physically overwhelmed. Most likely you think thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) or innocent victimhood (“Why is s/he always picking on me?”) Meanwhile, your heart is pounding, you’re reactive […]
Note: This is the third of a three-part series. In an intimate relationship, the more hurt or angry you feel, the more likely you are to react to your partner as an enemy instead of as a teammate. The more habitually you talk to each other as if you’re enemies, the more hurtful, defensive, antagonistic […]
Note: This is the second of a three-part series Here are ways to reduce anger and improve your dialoging skills, in order to keep your intimate relationship intimate: Beware of the impulse to strike back. When your partner expresses hurt, frustration or irritation, especially about something you have done, your immediate impulse may be to […]
Note: This is the first of a three part series Dear Neil: I am in a 4 ½ year relationship with a woman I love and want to marry. But we get into such nasty, vicious and hurtful fights with each other that it makes me hesitate about the future. We get angry with each […]
Note: This is the second of a two-part series Many couples get stuck in patterns of unproductive fighting, complaining and blaming each other. If you are wanting to solve fights and conflicts from ruining the intimacy in your relationship, try the following suggestions: Become a student of your own anger by logging the events that […]