The lover’s perspective on life is binocular rather than monocular, plural rather than singular, communal rather than individual. The lover lives within an experience of life in which the “we” is as real as “I.” In love, the rigid structure of our personality, our limited sense of what is possible, our defense mechanisms, our habit […]
The Art of Loving Well
When I focus on the question “How can I become a more loving human being?” a wild bunch of interesting questions burst forth. What is love? How do I define it? How much do I love? How can I measure it? If I discover that I’m not a very loving person, is there any way […]
Trust and Betrayal 2
The subject is about trust and betrayal, and three different readers illustrate the point. A woman from Brookfield, Wisconsin writes: “Please address how long it takes to get over the betrayal of a spouse after 21 years of marriage. He left me for another woman.” Sheila T. from Denver wrote in to ask: “There have […]
Man Wants More From His Marriage
Dear Neil: I came from a broken family and was determined to make my marriage work at any cost. I’ve now been married 26 years, but we don’t have intimacy, and we never do anything together. I want the kids to have as close to a normal upbringing as I can provide, but I feel […]
Soulmate Relationships
Dear Neil: My girlfriend of two years recently broke up with me. She said that we weren’t soul mates, and that she needed a soul mate in order to consider a future with me. What exactly is a soul mate? Can you create a soul mate relationship or does it just happen? Is there anything […]
“Porcupine” Spouses Hard to Communicate With
Some people are like a walled-off garden. There is something beautiful inside them, but for some reason the beauty has been locked away….hidden behind a seemingly insurmountable wall. Let’s call these non-communicators “porcupines.” Porcupines don’t want to interact with other animals. They just want to be left alone. If you watch a curious young dog […]
Becoming Soulmates
Dear Neil: Can you tell me how my husband and I can become soul mates? Ready in Toronto Dear Ready: Following are the essential ingredients needed for two people to become—and stay—soul mates. These ideas were stimulated by Daphne Rose Kingma’s book “The Future Of Love” (Doubleday). Honesty. Each time we tell the truth we become […]
Working Through Conflict More Effectively
The following exercises are designed to help couples work through conflict more effectively. If your relationship is beset with conflicts which occasionally spin out of control, then try learning these relationship skills. HIDDEN MESSAGES Explore which hidden issues are operating in your relationship. Consider the degree to which each issue seems to affect your relationship […]
Fighting Better
Dear Neil: My wife and I are getting into a fair number of ugly arguments and vicious fights. Lots of things can trigger an argument, but stopping the argument is an entirely different matter. I feel we are destroying our relationship by the way we are fighting. Are there any suggestions you can offer about […]
Traits of a Good Relationship
Dear Neil: We have been married four years, and have noticed that a lot of things can water down our closeness and intimacy for us. Could you describe the traits or skills that are necessary for my wife and I to create the best relationship we possibly can? Dwindling in Pensacola, Florida Dear Dwindling: Here […]