Dear Neil: I have lived with my boyfriend for 10 months. A couple of weeks ago he went out with a long-time female friend of his, and he didn’t get home until 3 a.m. on a Tuesday night. I questioned him about where he was, and he said “at a bar,” which I later found […]
The Essence of Romance is to Stay Connected
NOTE: THIS IS THE FIRST OF A TWO-PART SERIES Dear Neil: Please settle a disagreement between the two of us. My husband says that romance is about candlelit dinners and lovemaking. I say it is more about eating and vacationing together. Who’s more accurate? Wanting More In New York Dear Wanting More: Neither of you […]
Want to Love Again?
The More Love You Give The More “In Love” You Will Feel Dear Neil: I have gone through a series of relationships with women where I just don’t feel the emotions I’d like to feel about them. Either the chemistry is wrong (and therefore I am not much into it), or she has children (I […]
Insecure Love
Dear Neil: I am involved with a woman who repeatedly demands that I tell (and show) her that I love her many times a day—day in and day out. She also demands that I tell her how beautiful she looks, gets angry if I decide to spend time with my friends, accuses me of abandoning […]
Increasing Your Effectiveness in an Argument
Note: This is the third of a three-part series. In an intimate relationship, the more hurt or angry you feel, the more likely you are to react to your partner as an enemy instead of as a teammate. The more habitually you talk to each other as if you’re enemies, the more hurtful, defensive, antagonistic […]
Reducing Anger in a Disagreement
Note: This is the second of a three-part series Here are ways to reduce anger and improve your dialoging skills, in order to keep your intimate relationship intimate: Beware of the impulse to strike back. When your partner expresses hurt, frustration or irritation, especially about something you have done, your immediate impulse may be to […]
Communication Needs to Improve
Dear Neil: I really hurt my boyfriend of three years by being mean to him, treating him poorly, acting like I didn’t need or love him and generally not being responsive to what he said he wanted.I did this because he was so lacking in romance, and because I wanted to be taken care of […]
Going All Out: Increasing Your Attachment
Dear Neil: My wife accuses me of being disattached and emotionally withdrawn in our relationship. What can I do to increase my level of attachment and become closer to her? Distant in San Antonio, Texas Dear Distant: In a way, this is the same question as to how you could be a better spouse and lover. […]
Loving Well
The lover’s perspective on life is binocular rather than monocular, plural rather than singular, communal rather than individual. The lover lives within an experience of life in which the “we” is as real as “I.” In love, the rigid structure of our personality, our limited sense of what is possible, our defense mechanisms, our habit […]
The Art of Loving Well
When I focus on the question “How can I become a more loving human being?” a wild bunch of interesting questions burst forth. What is love? How do I define it? How much do I love? How can I measure it? If I discover that I’m not a very loving person, is there any way […]