Dear Neil: Thanks for your recent column on anger. What’s been fascinating for me is to realize how ill-equipped I am to having any reaction other than anger or feeling like a doormat. Learning to rein in anger is freeing, but if people who have relied on anger for power don’t have any other readily […]
Overcoming Gridlock by Identifying Your Inner Dreams Part 2
You want to have children, he doesn’t. She wants you to attend church with her, you’re an atheist. He’s a homebody, you want to party every night. If you feel hopelessly gridlocked over a problem in your relationship that just doesn’t get resolved, take comfort in knowing that there is a way to get through […]
The Signs of Gridlock Part 1
Note: This is the first of a two-part series. Dear Neil: My girlfriend and I are constantly fighting. Even small things can provoke a huge fight between us, and we seem to fight over the same things again and again. These fights have escalated to the degree that we’re seeing much less of each other […]
Getting Your Frustrations Heard and Addressed by Your Partner (Dialoguing)
Ever notice how easy it is for a couple to fall into a cycle of criticism, blame, defenses and distance from each other? If your relationship has trouble with one or both of you handling criticism, judgment or differences of opinion, try this exercise, created by Harville Hendrix and taken from a John Mariner and […]
Working Through Conflict More Effectively
The following exercises are designed to help couples work through conflict more effectively. If your relationship is beset with conflicts which occasionally spin out of control, then try learning these relationship skills. HIDDEN MESSAGES Explore which hidden issues are operating in your relationship. Consider the degree to which each issue seems to affect your relationship […]
Fighting Better
Dear Neil: My wife and I are getting into a fair number of ugly arguments and vicious fights. Lots of things can trigger an argument, but stopping the argument is an entirely different matter. I feel we are destroying our relationship by the way we are fighting. Are there any suggestions you can offer about […]
Fighting More Effectively With Your Mate
Dear Neil: Could you recommend a way my husband and I can fight (or even talk and disagree) more effectively? Our disagreements are getting very heated and personal, and sometimes attacking, and they’re threatening our marriage. Heated in Sydney, Australia Dear Heated: We all know that when couples are screaming at each other, or when […]
Handling Conflict More Effectively
Next time you’re trying to defuse a conflict with someone who’s angry or upset, use the Psychotherapist’s Tool to talk the person through his or her emotions rather than trying to talk him or her out it of them. What is the Psychotherapist’s Tool? It involves paraphrasing back what someone has said in an effort […]
Defusing Verbal Conflict
What do you do in a conflict when someone says something unfair or unkind? Do you get aggressive? Defensive? Do you remain silent because you don’t know what to say? Do you speak up but later wish you hadn’t? Do you think of the perfect response later on? It’s natural to take offense if someone […]
Avoiding Conflict Will Not Fix Your Relationship
s…and is a poor way of resolving differences In a fight or argument, what is your fight style? Does one of you run from conflict, refuse to talk about a disagreement, withdraw, cry, shut down or emotionally disappear in the face of conflict? If so, you fit the description of “conflict avoidant.” Regardless as to […]