Dear Neil: I feel as if my whole life has been ruined because I was gang raped as a teenager. I have never received counseling for this, and I have never confided in anyone about it. Now at 35, I go to extraordinary lengths to place obstacles in the way—and run away from—anyone who shows […]
Impotence Can be Treated
Dear Neil: About a year ago I began having problems in getting an erection. Also, while making love, I have begun to go soft. I went to a doctor who gave me some medicine, but it didn’t help. He told me that I may have to have some tests done. What would you suggest? Lexington, […]
Valentine’s Week Shouldn’t be the Only Time for Romance
As we approach Valentine’s Week, here are a whole gaggle of romantic ideas and suggestions taken from the book, 10,000 Ways To Say I Love You by Gregory J. P. Godek (Casablanca Press, 1999). Two ground rules before we begin: First, it’s the doing and the expressing that makes romance work. Whatever else, remember that. Second, […]
Approach-Avoidance Behavior Hurtful to a Relationship
Distant Intimacy is Confusing Dear Neil: I am an attractive professional woman in my early 40’s, and have recently been dating a man who is seven years younger than myself. The start of our relationship was made in heaven: there was a lot of love and infatuation. Suddenly after two months, everything was off, as […]
Handling Conflict More Effectively
Next time you’re trying to defuse a conflict with someone who’s angry or upset, use the Psychotherapist’s Tool to talk the person through his or her emotions rather than trying to talk him or her out it of them. What is the Psychotherapist’s Tool? It involves paraphrasing back what someone has said in an effort […]
Defusing Verbal Conflict
What do you do in a conflict when someone says something unfair or unkind? Do you get aggressive? Defensive? Do you remain silent because you don’t know what to say? Do you speak up but later wish you hadn’t? Do you think of the perfect response later on? It’s natural to take offense if someone […]
Jealousy Rooted in Insecurity
Dear Neil: I used to be a very jealous wife, and am happy to tell you that I have changed. My jealousy and fits of rage were rooted in insecurity. Partly, I have baggage because my father was disloyal to my mother. Partly, it was that I was bashful and quiet, and my husband is […]
Intensity and Passion Can be Developed and Encouraged
Dear Neil: I have just moved in with my boyfriend after a year of dating. He is the kindest, most wonderful man, and he is my best friend. But I cannot purge the memory of an old relationship from four years ago. My current relationship lacks the intensity of the former, but I feel that […]
Control Freaks
Dear Neil: What can you tell me about people who are “control freaks,” those people who need to control their children and their partners? Wellington, New Zealand Dear Wellington: There are two kinds of power. The first is POWER OVER. The other is PERSONAL POWER. POWER OVER shows up as control and dominance: someone expects […]
How Important is Infidelity?
Dear Neil: With all the recent media focus on ookill Clinton’s infidelity, I would be interested in your assessment of how important fidelity is to the average couple. You occasionally hear of surveys that say infidelity is rather common. How important do you think fidelity is to the typical intimate relationship and/or marriage? Sydney, Australia […]