Dear Neil:  I discovered a few months ago that my husband was having an emotional affair.  I had to discover everything—because he would not confess it until I asked him questions.  First it was just “friends,” until I found more evidence.  Then he admitted they had “feelings” for each other.  But because he never came to me with any information, I feel the need to always be on the lookout.  He told me he has dropped all communication with her.  He says he wants our marriage to work.

There used to be a time that I felt cherished by him, that he truly loved me.  He would do all sorts of sweet things.  But now, he doesn’t really do any of that stuff.  I am waiting for him to try to win me back, but he keeps saying he doesn’t know how.  I need some sort of gesture that shows he is committed, and that he is still in love with me.

Scared

Dear Scared:   Apparently your marriage has lost its spark—the feeling that you can’t wait to be in each other’s presence.  That’s where I’d recommend the two of you look first.  What has happened in this relationship that has distanced the two of you so much that he is looking elsewhere, and you don’t feel cherished?  What has to change in order for you guys to come back to each other?

Quit looking for small gestures that he still cares.  Look at the big issues that have separated you and what each of you need in order to come back to each other.