When You’re Not in the Mood

How do you handle it when you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, and you want sex more frequently than your mate does?

Let’s say you’ve tried everything in order to help your mate increase his/her libido: endearments, a lot of nurturing and tender loving care, plenty of affection and touch, cuddling and holding, pleading and begging, bargaining, pouting, temper tantrums. You get the picture.

Now let’s say that you are the person who doesn’t want as much sex as your mate does. You feel imposed upon by your partner’s higher sexual appetite, and sometimes nagged, harassed or coerced by your partner, who is often telling you—sometimes angrily—that he/she isn’t getting enough and it’s because of you.

What is the right thing to do in these cases? Do you give in to your partner in order to keep the peace, only to feel angry and resentful that his/her needs are being placed above yours? Do you try to blend and compromise your sexual appetite with your partner’s appetite? If so, does one person’s needs or desires tend to win out over time? Who’s sexual drive is treated as the more important of the two?

If you find yourself saying “no” to a lot to sex with an intimate partner you’re emotionally bonded with and committed to, it would be useful for you to examine why. What emotions do you feel about sex with your partner? What would need to be different with your partner for you to be more amorous?

Exactly what turns you on and turns you off in the bedroom? Every person in a serious relationship would do well to ponder that question, for it is a deeper question than it appears. Everyone of us is responsible for knowing our answers to that question, and effectively communicating those answers to our mate.

It may appear to be obvious, but it’s worth stating anyway: you cannot threaten, coerce or force your intimate partner to have sex with you—male or female—without hurting and possibly destroying the trust , love and intimacy the two of you have.

So what can you do?

• If one person isn’t in the mood and turns the other person down, a promise of later sexuality is often enough, as long as that promise is kept (“I’m not feeling well today, but tomorrow, if I’m feeling better, I’ll rip your clothes off. OK?”) That will pacify most people.
• Teach your intimate companion what he or she needs to do in order to help you get into the mood. Don’t assume your partner knows what to do, teach him or her. (“I need for you to spend quality time with me first, talking with me, holding hands, sharing your day and being heartful.  Then, I won’t be able to resist you.”)
• If you are hurt or angry in the relationship, let your mate know why, and also let him or her know what it is you need in order for that hurt or anger to lessen.
• Create sexual “dates” with your partner.
• Is there anything you’ve noticed that increases your sexual interest or desire? Let your mate know what it is.
• Chronic fatigue inhibits libido. What could you do to bring more energy and vitality to the sexual experience?
• Fully address each of the following sentences with each other: I appreciate and enjoy…., I’m uncomfortable about…., I’d like us to change…., I’d like us to…., I’d like to…., I’d like you to…. This communication should cover all aspects of lovemaking, including the environment, foreplay, intercourse, and afterplay.